Monday, September 29, 2008
Time isn’t linear. It also isn’t circular. What goes around doesn’t, in fact, come around at all. At least, let’s hope not, else that time I escorted a group of old ladies across the road is going to haunt me.*
1978 was a good year for time dilations. This was probably the third time I’d been here (once was the long way around from 1977) and I found something to like about it every time. Siouxsie and the Banshees, for one. I met her the first time through (she wanted a favour and wasn’t afraid to ask someone with connections) and have followed her progress ever since. I won’t even use my knowledge of the future to make any bets, though.**
Tim isn’t linear, either. That’s the gargoyle, by the way. His actual name, he tells me, is Timburindermal. “Let’s stick to Tim,” I said. Tim appears to be a cat of some sort, though he has elongated ears and two tails*** and shoulder pads like an American footballer’s, only made of granite. He also hasn’t got the chunk missing from his head that he has in the present, which probably accounts for his mental instability thirty years from now. I told him who I was, which surprised him a bit.
“What do you want, Jasfoup?” he said. “I can’t leave the building, as you well know.”
“Do I?” I have to say I was surprised. Why would I know anything of the sort?
“Why would I know anything of the sort?” I asked.
“Because you commissioned me,” Tim replied.
I did as well. Just not yet, in my timeline. In his it was ten years ago. He showed me the original invoice. Funny – I should have guessed it was me that made out the invoice in Harold’s name. I can’t do business honestly, can I? That would be an anathema for a demon.
Oh, I did have sex with Edith. Pure, adulterated, kinky, fetishistic demonic sex, though I did use a condom. The first three times, anyway.***
*To be fair, I only escorted them as far as the central reservation of the M1, then flew off.
**I have been known to purchase investments, however. There was a card game in the early nineties, for example, called ‘Magic the Gathering’ (I had to have a look with a name like that) and I bought up several sets which are worth a mint now.
*** The number one search term for people coming to this blog from a search is demonic sex. Go figure. I bet half of them are lapsed Catholics, too.