Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Feline Origins (part one)
Working with Tim the Gargoyle has led me to ponder the phenomenon of cats. Tracing feline origins isn’t really that difficult -- I really can’t see God making them, can you? I mean, imagine the scene. There’s God creating animals willy-nilly and sending them across to Adam to name and use in any way he desires* and He creates the Lion and the tiger and the lynx** (all vegetarians who stave slowly because they have neither the teeth nor the stomachs to eat vegetation).***
Now imagine God making a cat. “Go and see Adam to be named,” says god.
“Why?” says the cat****. “I don’t need to have an arbitrary series of syllables assigned so that someone I don’t care about can refer to me with a single proper noun.”
“You’ve got to have a name,” says God. “Everything has a name.”
“Then when he’s named all fifteen billion species of plankton I’ll have mine,” said the cat. “Now where’s my food dish?”
“Here,” says God. “Have some grass and I’ll think about it.”
“Grass?” The cat gives Him a hard stare. You know the one. The one you get when you say “You can’t still be hungry. I just gave you a whole tin!”*****
*There’s a reason Adam didn’t ask God for a mate for a very long time. He was happy with the animals. You can draw your own conclusions.
**What did you think Lynx sausages were made of?
***Prior to the fruits of the trees of knowledge and life being eaten there was no death. That means that no carnivores ate meat. QED.
****Though its only a cat in hindsight. Then it was “Feline 47”.
*****Though to be fair they still try to eat grass for the pure enjoyment of sicking it up again over your new shoes.