Thursday, April 22, 2010

True Confessions

"Mrs. Benton," I said. "You... you saved my dignity."

"It wasn't intentional, I assure you." She sniffed, cracking open the breach and slamming in two more cartridges. "If I'd realised it was you I'd have left well alone. I suppose it was you that blew up Edith's house?"

"It was, actually." I spoke up because Mrs. Benton's hearing aid is the kind that whistles when you hit the right pitch. "I had to, though. She'd eaten some of the contaminated meat and was like as not going to become a zombie."

"Contaminated meat? Is that what they told you?" She laughed. "There's nothing wrong with the meat, lovey. It was their 'Number Three Herbal Smoking Mixture' that blew the metaphorical brains out of everybody that tried it. They grow it in Hobbs' Wood."

"Hobbs' Wood? But that' where—"

"—the fae come through. Aye, I know. That's how it got contaminated. Perfectly good weed, growing half in this world and half in Faery. It's no wonder it strips the soul right off the bones, is it?"

"I suppose not." I took a step forward and was surprised when she brought the shotgun up again.

"I don't suppose a shotgun is much good against a demon," she said, "but I'm willing to give it a try if you are."

"It won't kill me," I said, "but I will admit it stings a bit." I could see the police gathering through the kitchen window behind her and raised my hands. "Have you always known what I am?"

"Not always," she said. "Not until Sam and Dilbo moved in. They had a different spot for their other batches of smoking mixture. It wasn't deadly like this one but it did give you visions. Only I realised they weren't visions at all, just a case of seeing what was really there."

"You see the Others, too?"

"Aye. Ghosts and ghoulies and that werewolf you go walking with. I've seen it all. Even Edith was one of them, wasn't she?"

"Was she? That would explain why she wasn't on my list of mortals. What was she?"

"She was one of them sex demons."

I frowned. That didn't seem likely. "Was she? She didn't, um... look like a succubus."

"Said she was retired. She wrote books now. Smutty books. And this is cruel, but I'll confess I poisoned her. Made her a cup of tea with Holy Water I did. I couldn't let her live. Not after I saw the filth she wrote."

"Filth?" The police were closing in. They'd got an armed unit from somewhere. The Met, perhaps. I could see rifles.

"Aye. She wrote about men. In rubber suits. And Women with things up their bottoms. Filthy stuff. I borrowed all eight from the library."

I raised the pitch of my voice. "I expect the librarians put them aside for you?"

WEEEEEEEEE. Her hearing aid shrieked and the police, spotting her dropping the gun to fiddle with the settings, rushed her.

"She killed him," I said, pointing at the corpse. "And the old lady in the burning house, too."


aims said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
aims said...

*head swiveling back and forth between you and Mrs. Benton*

Really! How do you manage to keep up this level of evil on a continual basis?!

*whispering just in case you know who hears* Personally - I beginning to wonder if your chronicler has developed a certain something for you and is writing you up as more evil, smart and glamorous then you really are - but don't tell her I said so - and don't let it go to your head!

*sneaks off quietly*

and yes - that was me above - I made some spelling errors (who me?) and couldn't let them be seen in public.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Evil? It's my job, or at least is supposed to be. I'm generally rather pleasant, mind. The chronicler could never overstate my charm and good looks.

stephanie said...

"but I'm willing to give it a try if you are." Best line ever. :)

Wow. Superb twist with the weed, and what a cantankerous old bitty!

Leatherdykeuk said...

Thank you.
I've had to do some thinking about the weed and it zombifying effects.