Friday, September 6, 2013

Dead Rite chapter 157.12

“What can someone do to avoid eternal damnation then?”

“Eternal? Do good deeds. Follow the commandments. Don't eat shellfish. Only take Canadians as slaves.”

“Canadians?” Spall-demon raised three of his eye stalks in what Harold could only assume was a quizzical expression. “That's not right. I'm sure it was something about 'Israelite' or 'People who looked at you funny'.”

“Look it up on the internet. You'll see.” Jasfoup frowned. “Actually, that doesn't apply if you are a Canadian. I think the rule is you can't have a slave of your own nationality unless you've sold your daughter to a neighbour.” He shook his head. “I can't remember. It's all in the rule book, anyway.”

“The rule book?”

“The Bible, obviously, though only the bits written before 632 AD. Those last few chapters about Paul's letters to his uncle are a bit tedious, in my opinion, and St. John was never the same after that mushroom omelette Gabriel made him.” He pronounced 'St. John' as 'Sinjen.”

“And then I can avoid damnation?”

“Bless him.” Spall-demon smiled and Harold wondered how a demon could say 'bless' so often without summoning an angel. “You can't avoid damnation. Nobody can.”

Jasfoup held a finger up. “Except Mrs Glossop.”

“Except Mrs Glossop,” Spall-demon agreed, “but she's a special case. Damnnation is a given, it's eternal damnation we were referring to.”

“Think of a soul as an onion,” suggested Jasfoup. “Each deed and thought you have adds another layer of skin to your immortal soul and you can only go to heaven if there aren't any layers left. Damnation strips away the layers.”

“And if I've had good thoughts?”

Both demons blinked as if the very concept was anathema to them*2. “Um... You'll have a thicker soul.”

“Better to withstand the hot pokers up the bum.”

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